Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Love and Abandon

     I'm not entirely sure how to begin writing on this topic. It's not awkward, necessarily. It's not something that I am unfamiliar with, either. I'm very familiar, actually. I just don't know how else to start than by stating the typical, stupid little line:

     There's this girl.

     You've heard it before from other hormonally challenged, emotionally driven teenagers. Yes, I think about her all the time and she is absolutely beautiful with her big eyes and adorable smile that makes her dimples shine and her nose scrunch up and everything and how she laughs and even talks. Trust me, I'm not writing this as a way of venting to the internet my girl problems, although if that's the route you thought this was taking I certainly don't blame you. It's common.
     Recently I've been struggling (and by recently I mean more like two years or so). As stated, I think she's absolutely beautiful. I'm drawn to her, obviously. She stands out, she's different, and I feel pretty pathetic writing this (que the struggle). 
     I feel so out of place feeling like this. Like, there are so many people in my life that I thoroughly love. All of which I rightly should, too. At this point in my life I know that my love should aspire toward Christ, family, friends, enemies, and everyone in between. I feel as though it's not time to love someone, a certain girl in particular, in this way. It's confusing, and I think that the majority of teenagers react to this kind of confusion via relationships, AKA: "The Dumbest Thing One Can Accomplish in High School". 
     Fine, that may have been a bit strong. There are high school "couples" that have it figured out, and that's great. I know some. I love them and look up to how they strive to serve Jesus together. However, truth be told, I know literally three couples like this. I take that back after realizing that two of these couples are now in college. One. I know one couple out of everybody. If I'm being judgmental Lord help me but no one else, at least from what I can see from my point if view is dating in high school with the right intentions. Even if their intentions aren't even morally bad, they are not focused on Christ. 
     Excuse my rant, because that entire thing doesn't have much to do with my point....
     My point, I suppose, is that (personally) the last thing I want to do is pursue her - now. I love her. Not out of feeling or emotion, because if everything was based off of those two horrible things then this entire post is not worth your time reading or mine writing. I love her with purpose and affection, and I will show this love to her by abandoning myself, and waiting until God's perfect timing has arrived. I want her to grow in Christ. To become a tremendous woman of God. Someone who is absolutely on fire for Jesus, and I can already see all of this in her. I want her to be moved by Christ, loved by Christ, empowered every day by Christ. This is also why I pray for her. Everyday I pray for her. Because between me and Him, He is so much better in every way. I pray for myself. That Christ will continue to move and mold me as well, so that I can be the husband that I am intended to be by God. I pray that if this woman is not set aside for me, that I will still continue to grow in Him! I still pray for her, for her own life and future husband. For my future wife, whoever she is, that she will grow in Him more and more each and everyday. To live for His glory is so much sweeter than chasing stupid desires. 
     This week, pray for me! I need it so much. I need Him. As much as I think I need more than that, I don't. Christ and Christ alone is where I need to be, where I want to be. I will continue to live in Him, everyday.


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