4/19/14 - 10:35pm
I feel so unqualified.
I am beyond pathetic at following Christ. How many times I've strayed, neglected Him for something else - someone else. Something stupid. As a matter of fact, that's the very reason there was no post last week. I didn't get too busy, or forget, or just decide to put it off because I didn't feel like it. The real reason that nothing was written as of last week was because of my lack of qualification. Or at least the disturbance I'm left with when I feel unqualified. I don't usually prefer to use this word but to be blatantly honest on how I feel, I suck at this. Really suck. And trying to write about God's grace and impact on my life while neglecting grace and not allowing for any impact is so hypocritic I can't even stand myself. I mean just trying to encourage others, all while deliberately turning away from what I'm attempting to turn others towards through writing - it's sick. When I'm not right with Jesus, my words mean nothing.
4/20/14 - 7:02am
It's Easter morning. Just letting that sink in. The anniversary of - everything important. My everything. My hope. Just think. To be desperately hopeless. Miserably corrupted. Suddenly free. Everything wrong in life was perfected and made new in one morning. By the resurrection of Christ it was instantly different. Death our punishment, conquered. The previous inevitable, turned to hope. I can't even comprehend.
How I continue to neglect His ever present grace I don't know but trust me when I say that in this moment I don't care. I don't care that I'm not enough or that I continue to fail over and over again or that nothing I do can ever suffice because in this moment, I am reminded of how free I am. Yes, there are times when I feel closer to God than others, and I should always strive to be serving God with everything in me, praising Him. But even in the moments of complete failure, desperation, stupidity, how much can I really do? How much can I do to overtake what Jesus has done on this morning?
This post is a bit on the short side. It's not me being lazy, it's just Jesus leaving me speechless. This morning, today, this week - thank your Jesus. Remember what He has won. What He endured in order to win. Dwell in His presence and simply relish in how much He completely adores you. As the mighty lyrics proclaim:
Praise the One who climbed the hill,
And stormed the very gates of hell,
Went to war with death itself,
To win my soul.